Barzellette in inglese
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Prayers before eating
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.
Where were you on my wedding day?
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."